Go Fight Win (and Fake)!

In case you hadn’t noticed, football season is upon us. For some, this is a wonderful, exciting, almost sacred time of year, for others, not so much. I happen to genuinely enjoy football. This could be because I have been going to football games for as long as I can remember. Seriously. I even had a little BYU cheerleader outfit that my parents dressed me in when I was baby. But I digress. However, I realize there are those of you who do not share in the football pandemonium. To you football resisters I encourage you to entertain the possibility that some day you may find yourself in a situation wherein feigning football interest is truly the path of most convenience. Perhaps you find yourself in such a situation presently. Maybe you want to impress a football enthusiast, maybe it’s easier to fake it than to explain that you just don’t enjoy watching guys knock each other to the ground with all possible physical force just to get the ball from one end of a field to the other, or maybe you’re hoping that a passion (or at least tolerance) for football will develop while you are faking it. Regardless of your exact reason, this post is for you.
How to fake enjoying a football game:
1. If everyone else is standing, stand too- I know three+ hours is a long time to stand, but nothing says “fish out of water” like a sitter in a sea of standers. Most fans stand because they have so much energy at the game. Furthermore, many hold the belief that they can transfer their energy to the team by standing, cheering loudly, and occasionally jumping. While this may not make sense, it is not polite to knock someone’s beliefs. Therefore, when at a game, stand.

2. Get an intense look on your face every fourth down- It really doesn’t matter whose fourth down it is. If your team is on offense, then this is their last chance to get a first down. If your team is on defense then this is their last chance to prevent a first down. Either way, it’s (in theory) a tense moment. If you need some help with the expression, try imagining that your professor is handing back a test that you’re confident you either aced or bombed. Freeze that facial expression for the duration of the play.

3. Tune in when there is a controversial call- you will know the call is controversial by one of two ways. Either the game will pause for an abnormally long length of time, or the fans around you will start booing. If you really want to get into it then when they show the replay, hold your hand, palm up, to the jumbotron like you’re presenting a piece of evidence before a jury. People will think that you clearly see what really happened. To go above and beyond, memorize the call. Then, when talking to the fanatics after the game, you can say, “So how about that (insert call description here).”

4. Memorize one major moment- if your team loses, then try and make the moment when someone made a major mistake. Listen for the words “fumble,” “interception,” or “turnover.” These moments won’t be too hard to catch because they’ll illicit a reaction from the fans. Then, when people are talking about the game later, you can say something like, “Well maybe if our team (or better yet, state the player’s number) would hold on to the ball/throw to our own team/ not say ‘here, you take it, we don’t really want it’ to the other team, we might have had a very different outcome.” If your team wins, then memorize one touch down. Then you can say something like, “That pass to (insert number of player that caught the ball here) was beautiful.” Side note: This whole memorizing a moment thing really works. One time I was talking to a guy and I said something like, “Well maybe if our center knew how to do his job.” His jaw dropped and he responded saying, “Wow, a girl who actually watches and understands football.” One memorized moment. That’s all it took, people.

Well, that’s it. Faking football doesn’t require that you understand the details of the game or even care at all! All you have to do is follow these four steps and I can almost guarantee you’ll look like you belong in that football stadium.